a beautiful mess...this is

So… there this guy that I like. He’s pretty much a forbidden fruit. It’s been about two months when I started crushing on him or realizing that I had feelings. I probably have since I first met him but I had a boyfriend then and he’s had a girlfriend for about 5 years now I believe. But now… that crush has turned into like. -_-

I really don’t know much about his relationship because he does not talk about it much, and it’s quite a mystery to me. I’ve only heard a few things from his friends… who seem to like her (I’m assuming), but not for him or with him (?) I’m pretty sure she’s great because he’s been with her for this long and friends always want what’s best for their friends and sometimes the best is still not good enough.

I am NOT a home wrecker. I have not done anything to jeopardize his relationship. I don’t even think he knows. And as much as I’d like to tell him how I feel, I think it’s best to keep my feelings to myself. He is the only thing keeping me from thinking about my ex or wanting anyone else. Ugh! Don’t I have the best pick in guys??! -_- How can something so wrong feel so right?

I am for certain that he has some sort of feelings for me as well. More than how one would feel for a friend. Or maybe I’m just reading it all wrong and that is how he is with all girls (?) If so… that kindda sucks! I know I should just let it go and find someone that is NOT in a relationship but it’s not that simple. The bond we have is indescribable—I feel so comfortable around him and I can be myself and know that he’d still be there for me. When I cried, he was the only one sympathetic for me and when he gazed at me with puppy dog eyes and wiped away my tears, my heart just dropped to the ground. I had never seen a serious side of him until then and that moment changed everything. Honestly did you feel nothing?!

This has been on my mind for the past few days and it’s just so hard to push aside and ignore. I don’t know what to do, how to feel, or what to say. I am trying so hard not to talk to him everyday, to cut back on communication because maybe just maybe these feelings will go away. But what if the distance makes the heart grow fonder? What is wrong with me?! I know if I put myself in his girlfriends’ shoes she’d definitely be very hurt and I would hate me too even though I have not done anything.

My question is… is he really happy in his relationship? What if he’s in it for the comfort? Because he is used to being with her? Yes I am sure he loves her but is he still IN love with her? There’s a difference. The things he does with me makes me wonder why he doesn’t with his girlfriend. She should be his go to girl shouldn’t she? Why does he come to me? =( Not that I don’t want him too but he’s sending me mixed signals and it’s screwing with my feelings.

If things did end with his girlfriend and we happen to get a chance… I don’t want to be the girl that makes him realize he misses his girlfriend. Been there and don’t wanna go through it for the 100th time.

I’ll admit it… I like you. But I don’t want to tell you because I don’t want to lose you.

<3 kl0v3